12-Step Midlife Crisis Anonymous Recovery Program
“Hello, my name is Abby, and I’m a Midlife Crisis Nut”
While the following program is primarily designed to deal with a midlife crisis, the same concept can be applied to overcome any form of addiction or obsession:
1. Admit that you are powerless over your situation, that your life has become unmanageable
One way of dealing with personal issues, such as addiction or a midlife crisis is a mechanism called denial. By denying our situation we negate the reality and refuse to admit the seemingly obvious. Which is why accepting that you are knee-deep in one is the first step to recovery.
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity
Whatever your religion or core beliefs, you have to find that soft spot in you heart that has no doubt about the existence of infinitive spirit in order to commence with your transcendental growth. Stick to Buddha, Jesus or other Universal life force that you feel the most familiar with.
3. Make a decision to turn your will and you life over to the care of the Universe
This is the moment where you put your hands down and surrender, faithfully acknowledging the fact that the Universe will help you break free from the bondage of self (again, no correlation to FiftyShades of Grey what-so-ever) and navigate you out of the crisis. That’s the most decisive point. Surrender now.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself
Stop fooling yourself about accumulated false values and do an honest heart-and-brain scan. Find out what went wrong in your live (failed marriage, one too many credit cards, booze indulgence, shoe addiction) and perform a full analysis of your destructive behaviors. Now it’s the time to uncover your misery and confess any wrongdoing (but don’t throw your Manolo Blahniks away just yet, or if tempted email me for details of a give away).
5. Admit to yourself and to another human beings the exact nature of your wrongs
At this point do a thorough housecleaning, cemented in honesty, humility and fearlessness. Take off the mask (of Super-mom, Super-dad, Social-Worker-of-the-Year), let go of the idea who you’re supposed to be and let others see your true self (a scared little creature unable to cope with life’s misery) and secretly hope they won’t all run away.
6. Be entirely ready to have the Universe remove all these defects of character
Stop clinging to impaired ideas (such as perfectionism, tidy house, well behaved children) and let go of your controlling nature. In order to perform effective change, you have to be 100% ready for the defects to be lifted. Decide if you really want to find happiness and stick to it no matter what.
7. Humbly ask the Universe to remove your shortcomings
There’s nothing like a good old fashioned prayer. So, go on your knees and say the following:
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character, which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.
8. Make a list of all people you’ve harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all
Now, make a checklist of all the casualties resulting from you being lost and one by one sweep away the accumulated debris. Say sorry to the husband you offended when you shouted: You @#$% asshole, you ruined my life, the children you abandoned at your in-laws for a quick fix at the spa, the lady at the post office you yelled at for no reason (because she’s put the wrong stamp on your envelope when you had your period).
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
That’s the part of the recovery when you go around and start performing a group hug. You squeeze your boss tightly (even though he still hasn’t given you the promotion he promised last month), your co-worker (you know, that bitch, who sends nasty emails behind your back), even your kid’s teacher who gave him a “D” for not willing to cut cute little frogs into pieces.
10. Continue to take personal inventory, and when you’re wrong, promptly admit it
Just in case you thought you were done with the inventory, here it comes again. Work on your vices until they disappear or at least until you don’t see them anymore (wink). Remember that a midlife crisis is just a phase, which will at some point subside, and that the yelling and throwing things on the wall will eventually stop.
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with the Universe, praying for the power to carry that out
Whenever possible pray or meditate, whichever comes more natural to you. Never loose sight of your goal (freedom in form of insight) and keep on nourishing your spiritual being. Rest assured, over time communicating with divinity will become as easy as talking to your doctor about oral herpes.
12. Having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to other midlife crisis anonymous, and to practice these principles in all your affairs
Now that you’ve made it (given you didn’t abandon after point 3 and joined the Alcoholic Anonymous instead), and you’re thoroughly enlightened about your midlife crisis, go on and carry the message to the world. Be an example for others to follow, as well as their uttermost support. Visit blogs of like-minded midlifers and wherever available join accordant communities. Nut be with you through all steps of the way!