The Ultimate Women’s Midlife Crisis Survival Guide
Part 1: The spiritual way
1. Breath deeply – Let oxygen circulate freely in your body and feel your lungs expanding with air reaching every single cell. Slowly go inside yourself and awaken the awareness of infinity beyond time and space. Surrender yourself to the spiritual laws of the eternal universe and become one with the divine presence (At this point the meditation classes you took back in 1998 might come in handy).
2. Open your mind – Become aware of the self-limiting nature of our existence and step beyond that. Realize that the transition you’re going through takes place only in your mind, and recognize that the world hasn’t changed and become a terrible place, that it’s only your perspective that has changed.
3. Follow your heart – and your intuition. It will lead you to long buried desires you have relinquished over the years. Now it’s the time to uncover your true essence and explore endless possibilities. What are you waiting for?
4. Be kind to yourself and others – In this turbulent time of personal growth respect yourself while acknowledging other’s reaction to your new awareness. Don’t let our narrow-minded, narcissistic nature stand in the way of the creation of your impending space.
5. Don’t forget that we’re all creatures of the universe – No matter how desperate you’ll get at times, embrace every aspect of your journey and be grateful for the opportunity life has given you to become the human being you were meant to be.
Part 2: The far less spiritual way
1. Put yourself together and stop being a sissy– There are far worst things in life that you could be worrying about right now, like living in a carton box or being tied to a hospital bed forever.
2. Take a shower, put on some make-up and hit the town – Sitting at home and complaining all day won’t do you any good.
3. If you still have a husband – Go and buy one of those tantric massage oils you intended to a while ago and have some fun (it will change your mind, no doubt).
4. Start some exercise – The sagging butt you’re not happy about will not get back in shape by itself (Not to mention, that talking about buying a treadmill is not exactly the same as actually buying one).
5. Get realistic about life – And stop dreaming. Who on earth told you that life is fair and that you owe to have it good?
6. Get a hobby – If you still remember what it means. Start gardening, try your hand at Pooktre tree shaping (if you’re in Australia), go trampoline jumping (naked with your dog), get creative with toilet paper origami, consider yodeling or if you good at knitting try yarnbombing. Enter the world of endless possibilities…
7. Stop over dramatizing – The phase you’re going through right now is called midlife and not the end of life.
8. Leave the house and meet people – In times of despair such as this one, don’t lock yourself at home. The ideas that you might be getting when being completely by yourself, might be far more dangerous than the New York ghetto at 5am.
9. See the glass as half full and not as half empty – If in doubt, have another one.
10. Accept the fact that aging is a normal part of life – Or did you REALLY expect to be young forever?
11. Donate money to charity or visit a local shelter – It will put things into perspective and you might end up helping less self-centered people.
12. Have a laugh – Forget about wrinkles and shoot some endorphins up you brain. It will rejuvenate it instantly.
13. Burn your collection of last century knickers – And invest in some sexy underwear. You never know what might hit you.
14. Take control of you life – Nothing is more empowering than knowing that YOU and you alone are in charge of your own life.
15. Grow up – Now that you in your 40s or 50s you can finally start acting like a mature, responsible human being and stop blaming others for your mishaps.
16. Get a life – If you haven’t so far, get involved in an activity that will bring you fulfillment and pleasure (your loved ones might be so happy about you being off their backs, that they might actually start doing the dishes).
And the final one:
17. Do something! – I hope that you realize that sitting around and bemoaning your situation won’t change a damn thing! So get up and start living (you still have the other half of your life left)!